Hello. My name is John Banzhaf. I'm so damn gluttonous and irresponsible that when I open my mouth, feces literally spills out. This is not my fault, it is everyone else's, because I don't have control over my actions. You see, I'm a victim, and I want everyone else to realize that they are nothing but mindless, helpless victims too. For some reason, people don't just laugh in my face when I spout feces from my mouth, they take me seriously. I am the face of a growing threat to our society. This threat is called "complete lack of common sense and responsibility syndrome" or CLCSRS. I like making money off of being ridiculous, and bending the truth to fit what I think should be correct in the world, even when that means the disintegration of everything that is meaningful and good in the world. Please find me and shoot me in the knees with a shotgun, or cut my tongue and fingers off so I cannot talk or write. I am a waste of the air I breathe and all the tons of fatty food that I consume.

What you must realize is that it is YOUR fault that I am gluttonous. It is YOUR fault that I am stupid looking, and it is YOUR fault that I don't know anything about the world other than how to manipulate stupid, stupid, worthless people (judges) into giving me money for every vice I have. The meek will not inherit the earth, the obese child-beating alcoholic junkies will, but only as long as they learn to blame it all on someone else. I am a lawyer, and that makes me right. All the time. Let's just start giving people $100 for every time they stub their toe - that way we can avoid the inevitable hassle of having to sue door makers, shoe makers, and everyone else who had a hand in creating any form of dastardly, evil, toe-level death trap. Here is a link about how fat people are better than everyone else, except that they have fallen victim to the evil plot of shady corporations wanting to put too much food in them so they will die.

Boo hoo, I am too stupid and irresponsible to do anything about being a complete waste of life.

Just let me add this at the end, so that I am not taken to be too inconsiderate...
I understand that some people have eating disorders, or are predisposed to being more hefty. This is fine. I have nothing fundamentally against heavier people. I just don't like it when people play the victim-game and blame everyone else and make everyone else's life hell because they have problems. If you want to be chubby, more power to you, but if you screw with me because of it, I will shoot you in the chubby kneecaps.

Aaah, that felt good...so much stupidity in the world...
In case you are wondering what set off this rant, check THIS SITE out.
Also, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, there is an editorial on the opinion page regarding the fat-tastic degenerate who calls himself John Banzhaf.


Hey hey hey! I'm fat and it's your fault. Gimme all your money!

Until next time...don't be stupid like everyone else.

And don't be sad...
Whenever I'm feeling down...I think about Gary Coleman.