After a shameful two month sabbatical, I give you the completely overhauled and updated, hydrogen fuel-cell powered, OdhavBlog of the future.

To kick things off, I'd like to say that things here in NYC have been hectic at best, frantic at worst, and I've been left with very little time to do much extracurricular ranting and raving. Don't get me wrong, this is a good thing. There's nothing I love more than the New York never-stop-moving, never relax atmosphere that forms such an elegant dialectic with cozy, small-town Omaha, NE. Now that I have had enough time to rev up to match the pace of things, I am posed to attack the world with not only the former fury of OdhavBlog, but also a ridiculously overly-opinionated, in-your-face New York attitude.

And so now I will attempt to encompass every occurance in the world that has taken place in the past two months...in a single blog - take a deep breath.


Yo Gary, why didnchoo win that election in California?


The electorate is uninformed, fickle, and stupid. They view government as a novelty, and are incapable of responsible decision-making. The American dream is dead, and democracy has become a joke.


Whoa! Look out! It's a robot hiding behind a mailbox!


The sad thing about elections (namely the upcoming presidential election 2004) is that our political system is dominated by two almost equally incompetent political parties, who effectively remove any kind of democracy or choice from the election system. Election 2004: the most glorified plebiscite in history! Every candidate is a rich white male elitist, so we have to choose the least of many evils. I conducted an interview with each of the Presidential candidates. So lets meet the candidates:

George W. Bush

Odhav: So, I hear you pulled straight-C's at Yale.
GW: Where am I?
Odhav: And you were convicted of DUI? That's interesting.
GW: Me good drink car.
Odhav: So why exactly are we in Iraq? I mean, you made up the whole WMD thing, and Iraq didn't pose a threat to us...
GW: I have two words for you: strategery and world conquest.
Odhav: Did you know that I used to like you as President before you decided that you liked killing people more than telling the truth?
GW: I just wire-tapped you.
Odhav: So what about this Total Information Awareness Act and the PATRIOT Act? Do you think you need to take away the civil rights of the American people?
GW: Oh, you mean the Enabling Act - I borrowed that from my buddy Adolf. I actually didn't think people in Congress would be that stupid, to actually pass that - I guess they don't ever really read those bills.
Odhav: Finally, tell our readers why they should vote for you in 2004.
GW: You shouldn't. I'm a liar and an imbicile and an elitist, and I love war more than anything else. If you re-elect me, we're going into Iran, Syria, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, Japan, China, Germany, France, and probably Peru. Everyone's getting drafted, and we'll have posters of me in every room with cameras behind them so that you know I'm always watching.


John Kerry
Odhav: So are you against the war in Iraq?
John: Yes.
Odhav: Why did you vote to authorize it then, John?
John: Umm....I'm a hypocrite.
Odhav: That's nice John, you look French, and think you're JFK. Well, you aren't. JFK had integrity and was a good leader. You, my friend, are a joke, and do not deserve to even run for President.
John: Look at my hair, isn't it neat?

Howard Dean
Odhav: So, Dean, do you actually think you can win this election?
Dean: Well, I think right now we need to think about important things like growing marijuana and having quality personal relationships with trees.
Odhav: Some people say that you wouldn't make a good President.
Dean: Like who?
Odhav: Me.
Dean: Yeah I think you're probably right, but I'm from Vermont, so I really have no conception of reality at all.
Odhav: Could you please elaborate on that?
Dean: Well, in the 21st century, it's central to the well-being of the country that - Look! A unicorn! (Dean jumps out the window and runs away)

Dennis Kucinich
Odhav: Why do you always look so angry?
Kucinich: I'm a leprechaun.
Odhav: Fair enough - you kind of sound like one too. Will you give us a summary of what some of your policies would be as President?
Kucinich: We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, we represent the lollipop guild, and we'd like to welcome you to munchkin land.
Odhav: Why are you glaring at me?
Kucinich: My face is just kind of stuck that way. Look, I always yell when I talk, and I look very similar to an angry poodle.
Odhav: There's no arguing with that, folks. Vote Kucinich if you like lollipops and/or happen to be looking for a wizard.

Joseph Lieberman
Odhav: So are you a Republican or a Democrat?
Lieberman: I like to sit on the fence on pretty much every issue, so I'd say I'm a Republicrat.
Odhav: That didn't make any sense.
Lieberman: You see, I have lots of money and that means I can be President.
Odhav: Didn't you get the idea that we hate you when you lost with Gore in 2000? I mean for God's sake, you lost to Bush!
Lieberman: Well, my philosophy regarding government is basically that I don't know what I'm talking about, and if you want everything to continue to be exactly how it has been, elect me because I don't know how to change anything.
Odhav: Ok, so what you're saying is that we should just elect a beanbag chair or small furry mammal to be president instead of you?
Lieberman: Yes.

General Wesley Clark
Odhav: So General Clark, against all odds you actually seem to be a somewhat upstanding candidate for President in 2004.
Clark: So far so good, but don't worry, I probably won't win because the electorate is unimaginably stupid and they'd rather have some drooling idiot and/or greaseball as President.
Odhav: You seem to be the most moderate of the Democratic candidates, is this because you're sitting on the fence or because you're genuinely a reasonable human being?
Clark: Well, I think if I become President I will be able to stabilize our nation's international relationships, revive our economy, create jobs, and set up less wasteful welfare and social security systems.
Odhav: Wow, that sounds like a good plan - wait, is that President Bush? What are you doing here, you bloodthirsty moron?
GW: International stability? Welfare? Jobs? This here man is a low-down traitur. I'm gunna keel him.
(Bush fires $8 billion worth of cruise missiles at Clark, one of which hits him - Osama bin Laden snickers and puts bunny ears on Bush before running out of sight)

And finally, just for good measure...



Hey Lenin, have you ever wanted to beat Tom Daschle to death with a scale model of the Statue of Liberty?


Yeah, who hasn't? Why?


I don't know...just wondering.